Hey, you!

Yeah, I mean you!

You there, the blonde francophone standing in front of us with your (boy?)friend at the Horseshoe last night, with the sling bag and unintentional curly hair dreads.

I understand that you were at the concert because you enjoy the band. I understand that as someone who enjoys the band you may well know every single word to every single song. I even understand that being at this concert may well be the most exciting event to EVER happen to you in your ENTIRE life.

But why, oh god WHY do you have to shout the lyrics to every song? We were only standing 10 feet away from the stage left stacks, so the fact that I could hear you at ALL indicates that a ludicrous amount of sound was emerging from your throat. It wasn't even singing - it was shouting. Were you trying to audition? Perhaps hoping they would pick you out of the audience and say "You - yes you. With the sling bag and the unintentional curly hair dreads standing beside the boy who may possibly be your boyfriend and who looks to be slightly embarrassed at (afraid of?) his proximity to your vocal cords. Where have you been all of our lives? Please - come up here on stage and never leave us again. We can't make it without you and your incredible breath support."

And as if the shout/singing wasn't enough, where on earth did you pick up that dance? Was it even a dance? Were you simply spasming in ecstasy at finally hearing your heroes perform live? I've never seen anything like it. Upon consultation with fellow aghast concert attendees, we were able to discern a few favourite moves - a sort of uppercut boxing move, frequently followed by the classic rock sky punch, and a textbook headbang that necessitated the removal of your butterfly hairclip. But what about the...for lack of a better word, waddle? That extreme wiggle where you clench your arms to your torso and rapidly move from left to right as though you were a metronome set to 250? Can your eyes even focus at that speed? Didn't you give yourself a headache? It can't be good for you, this dance of yours. Not to mention distracting for the majority of the club standing behind you. A complete stranger even asked me if I'd ever "seen anything like that."

No, I certainly hadn't. Maybe you can open for them for the rest of their tour? You were certainly more entertaining than the ironically named opening act.


PS Spellcheck wanted me to replace 'francophone' with 'frangipani'. Heh.